Curmudgeon Gamer
Curmudgeoning all games equally.
10 January 2006
Worst Review I've Read This Year
That didn't take long, eh?

After 45 frustrating minutes with my newly-acquired Prince of Persia: Arabian Nights for the Dreamcast (not worth it), I browsed to see what reviewers had said back in the year 2000. I found this delightful review at IGN. Some choice nuggets:
Much like its 2D predecessors from the olden days, Arabian Nights places advanced puzzle solving over action to help build a brainier, meatier version a certain Indiana Jones wannabe.
Say what? I think you're missing an "of" there, dude. And I'm not sure that you get much meatier than Lara, but I'll let it slide.
Worshiping the visual power of the game's magical love bricks, I couldn't help but to grin for most of the adventure.
Love bricks? That explains the grin, I suppose.
Claiming the latest voucher for the elusive "just one more puzzle" syndrome that's reserved for only the top games in the genre, Arabian Nights manages to overcome its shortcomings. Allowing the whole to be worth infinitely more than its parts on a scale of sumo wrestler proportions. Concurrently while trying to seek out the perfect lever to unlock the umpteenth forbidden door.
Make. It. Stop.
Heavily backed by a moody and atmospheric soundtrack straight out of the Iron Sheik's personal collection (kudos to the sound team and its composers), and chalk [sic] full of puzzles, traps, and enemies, fans of games like Flashback, Out of this World, and the original Prince of Persia itself are in for a hell of a good time.
Those who aren't fans, however, will have to settle for this entertaining review. In the final summary, one last gem:
Graphics: I love the textures; some of the best bricks I've ever seen in a video game.
A little tip for all you game developers: good looking bricks gets you at least a 7.0 for your graphics score, and more if they're magical love bricks.

You know how we all suspect that there's payola involved in some game reviews? Is this review what happens when you don't pay your payola bill?
--Matt Matthews at 00:02
Comment [ 2 ]

Comments on this post:

There's an axiom in the theatre: If critics rave about the costumes, then the play wasn't very good.

Maybe we can expand that to videogames, only with the critics raving about the bricks!

Mmmmmmm... magical love bricks.

By Blogger Casey, at 10 January, 2006 17:35  

IGN reviews are awful. Do they even have editors?

True story -- I worked on a game (which will remain nameless for now) that was reviewed by IGN. In their (somewhat scathing) review, they mentioned that they did appreciate that the game supported time-of-day changes in the sunlight lighting.

As someone who actually has seen the code, I can tell you that all the lighting and shadows from "sunlight" were baked into the textures. There was no "dynamic sunlight" system in the game, ever. I have no idea what game the reviewer was actually playing.

By Blogger Dan-o, at 12 January, 2006 00:57  

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